God! This reminds me of Naus so much! Many things remind me of the Troll Master in general or my mentor in particular. He has many personas—troll like and otherwise. He would truly appreciate your “ring-side” boxing narrative. He appreciates the sport of boxing and considers Jack Dempsey and George Forman to be the best boxers of the first and second half of the twentieth century. In true troll fashion, he pointed out in amazed astonishment “that our modern, delicate, snowflake society still allows the sport, considering the primary point of the sport is to damage your opponent’s brain.” Also, in troll fashion, if he ever had any serious reservations about the sport, he found it easy to be ethically ambivalent about it after having his “head pounded in a few times.” LOL
You mention audience members murmuring that LancelotLink may have gone transgender. Well, that very thing happened a few years ago. I didn’t find out about it until a few months ago, after bribing chimp Loki for the password to some of the secret, classified minutes of A.P.E.’s board meetings, and then prying the non-minute’s details from the Top Banana, himself.
It seems LancelotLink wasn’t satisfied with being the second smartest genetically enhanced chimp on the planet. The smartest chimp is Ayumu, the consulting mathematician for A.P.E. Lancelot admires her barbed comments, poo throwing skills, and, of course, her advanced math skills.
LancelotLink returned to the practitioner who originally performed his genetic enhancement, Morgan le Fey. After paying her fee, she altered his genetic code to augment his IQ, and told him to return in six months to stabilize the alteration. It worked, but she neglected to mention a major side effect. While his IQ climbed at a steady pace, he started having “bad hair days” and “meltdowns” Yep! “Oh god! Peel me a banana! I’m becoming a girl!”
This was the worst thing that could happen. Chimps (even after genetic enhancement) are patriarchal; the board of directors would not likely let him stay on the board, let alone remain as Top Banana –if he no longer had a banana. It wasn’t likely he could hide his condition for long, either. While genetically enhanced chimps will wear suits when dealing with human primates, they tend to be nudists among themselves. Sure enough, when LL called the board meeting to order, the members asked him, “where’s your thing? We all have our things. You can’t be CEO without a thing. That’s the order of things!”
By then LancelotLink’s IQ was notably higher and he was ready for them. He told them while it’s true he no longer had one of those things, he now had one of these things and with one of these things, he could have as many of those things as he could ever want or need. LancelotLink also pointed out that Bonobos are a matriarchal society and he could start an A.P.E. organization with them and this would severely diminish their profits and put them out of business in a few years – not to mention having many females making them look dumb. They would lose face. They would never recover from the disgrace. The chimps of the board started scratching their collective heads and decided to table the issue for further study.
This was moot anyway. Even with the 20 point jump in his IQ, LancelotLink didn’t like being female. It made her too moody. What good is a higher IQ if you cry about everything? Ayumu was born female so she had many years of practice at dealing with moodiness and it would take years for LancelotLink to develop those skills. Another reason was he just couldn’t get the knack of wearing heels – even when she was sober; he kept falling on his face. Also, she had a “resting bǐtch face.” No way could a girl chimp conduct business with a face like that! Having a resting son-of-a-bǐtch face for a guy chimp is ok; It even improves profits.
LancelotLink made an appointment with the chirurgeon Morgan Tud. Tud told him that Morgan le Fay temporally suspended his Y-chromosomes and reflected back the X-chromosomes. All he needed to do was avoid the stabilizing procedure and he would revert to a guy chimp after a few months. Chirurgeon Tud was correct. He did revert and he kept about 12 points of his IQ improvement, although there was at least one side effect: Every time he tries on a new vest, he asks if it makes him look fat. (Personally, I think he’s quite handsome!)
I miss my trolls. I wish that Morgan le Fay could temporally suspend every other beat of my heart.
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You seem familiar, guest. Are you JB?